I have felt like a bad wife because people seem to be freaking out more than me about the situation. But to be honest before all this happened I was freaking out. I had several panic attacks and cried for several nights because I knew what was ahead of me. I knew that I would need to be strong--but I'm not. So matt gave me blessings, we prayed hard as a family, and I made our home teachers give matt a blessing. I covered my bases so when the time came I wouldn't freak out.
So I guess I feel bad that I'm not as worried as others seem to be. But I just cannot get worked up. Even though I'm having a hard time now. I am finding myself sustained. And I am ever so grateful for that. This will probably be the longest 10, maybe plus days of my life.
I am so grateful for having great friends! More importantly I'm grateful for people choosing to act on inspirations of kindness towards me the week before this happened. The girl I visit teach brought me by a baby gift and I was so touched by her kindness. It meant so much because I was having a hard week. Also the kindness and easy of working with my new VT uplifted my spirits. I am so grateful for so much. Grateful that I started all this feeling good and sustained.
Grateful for not being able to freak out right now. Grateful that I know someone is holding me up despite them not physically being here to do so. So if you talk to me and I don't seem overly concerned about the present situation or that I didn't freak out at the news, it's because my melt downs came earlier. They came and then I asked for heaven's help.
I think that is what Elder Anderson meant in his talk about how even the most faithful fear sometime. You cannot be strong all the time--you need Heaven's help. And then after you've worked through everything, after the tears and melt downs, comes the leap of faith. THe faith that comes after the first few steps in the dark.
So you aren't showing a lack of faith by showing fear. You show a lack of faith if you don't look heavenward to ease that fear.
If this post doesn't make sense then text me and I will fill u in on the specifics but since my blog isn't private I won't be too specific. Just know we are all okay and everso grateful for prayers and your kind phone calls. Thank you!
2 comments:
I'm worried about you, Maritza! You'll be in my prayers!
I don't have your number I'm kinda worried let me know of I can do anything and there are just a few things you need to know 1. I think you are an incredible mother 2. A beautiful person inside and out 3. An amazing daughter to your parents and to our father in heaven. I am so honored to know you and so providers to learn from you and believe me I learn! It's so hard sometimes in our own personal gethsemenes to feel the love of our savior. He is real and he is there and he loves us. I hope you can feel is loving arms wrapped around you. You are strong and so brave and it's good for us to "freak" out heaven knows I do . It makes everyone else feel good to know we are not the only one. I always love your honesty. You give me strength all the time by just being your great self and even though we don't see eachother which is a bit sad to me you make a difference in my life and my sons by helping me become a better parent. I hope you're ok. Please let me know if I can do anything really please!!!
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