1875

FB has a group called, "BYU, where your best hasn't been good enough since 1875." I laughed when I saw this group and immediately joined. People who belonged to this group were united because before they came to BYU they thought they were special. A cut above the rest. But after coming to BYU and seeing the kind of people BYU admits, they realized that their particular cut was not actually above, but that they were average, maybe even below average. Gasp!

I felt that way through much of my Freshman year but after I realized to take my successes in strides and not to compare it against others. After that I found that BYU was a great place for me. I LOVE BYU and constantly dress my children in BYU apparel, their first outfit home from the hospital always includes some form of BYU apparel. BYU gave me more confidence than it took away that Freshman year. And I am so grateful to all the teachers and people I worked with there.

Lately, though, and probably because I am pregnant I have not felt so confident in myself. We had a RS activity for the new sisters who had moved into the ward. Everyone shared something about themselves and after the activity I walked away feeling depressed. I thought I am not so special.

In the BYU magazine there is an article about Mitt Romney's definition of success. I loved two quotes from that article. He told a story of his father's failed attempt at a political office and remembering what his father said to him, "I aspired, and though I achieved not, I was satisfied."

And then later he said that, "They [worldly successes and setbacks] do not measure your worth nor define your success unless you choose for them to do so."

February has been a terrible month. Matt's been gone pretty much half the month on work trips and I am pregnant (enough said). And this pregnancy is causing super amounts of anxiety. I worry about EVERYTHING. And it doesn't help when husband isn't around to calm me down after a long day. When Matt calls, the both of us are so tired and just ready for him to be home.

So on top of all that I went to an activity celebrating everyone's special talents and qualities, and unfortunately I took it the wrong way. But after Matt came home he made me realize something.

My greatest accomplishments are my children and that is worth more than anything I could of done outside the home. A woman at the grocery store stopped me once and looked at my boys and said, "Wow mom, they look happy. Good job!" Someone recognized that my children looked happy, loved, and cared for. That despite trying to keep them from running away or running their carts into people, that they were happy boys.

Being a stay at home mom is the best! And I am so grateful for Matt's job but it is so hard to not receive those worldly accomplishments that I strove my whole school career to achieve. It is so hard not to get that praise. No one praises you for changing the diaper and not puking, or averting a crisis on the playground. Or calming a child down because he's sad. No one lets you sleep in the next morning because you were up with a little one that night, because he had a bad dream.

I knew this week would be hard so I went and picked up a large canvas for me to paint and play with. I didn't expect much because it was just about being able to help me manage my anxiety. Karen, I expect a lengthy comment about how good I am ;). But painting calmed me down and helped me. I was so proud of what I did in 3 days. I realized what Mitt Romney had said about success was true. That although I have sought worldly praise for the extra-curricular activities I've done, those activities didn't bring lasting happiness because I don't truly value worldly success as much as I value family, love, and the gospel. I had this perfect surreal moment while painting. Joshua and I painted while Samuel was asleep. Joshua had washable paints and I had my canvas and oils. The two of us sat there, listing to music, and creating things together. He told me then, that I was his best friend(something that I LOVE to hear him say, especially when it comes out of no where)and he was so happy that he was able to paint with mommy.

You have to be a parent to understand the kind of joy it can bring. I believe it isn't something that you can describe accurately or put a value on it accurately because there isn't anything you can compare it to here on earth. You just have to experience it.

So now I have this painting hanging up in my children's playroom to remind me that I am special. That I am doing what I really want to do in this life. Have a family and a happy home.

The evolution of my work.

Early Valentine's Day...

Matt is a fabulous husband. He gave me a "day off" yesterday and I took full advantage of it. I have been so tired lately and really just frustrated that my body is making me slower. I freak out if my house is a mess and then clean it, and then need a nap. After going to the park, I need a nap. After getting ready for the day, I need a nap. I was getting really overwhelmed because I am so tired, of everything.

But sometimes you just need sometime to recharge. I went and had my haircut (which I love it now), went shopping, and ate at one of my favorite places, The Cheesecake Factory. Mmmmmm. It's not one of Matt's favorite so we don't often go there.

I am really happy that I have a husband who understand my needs. I love him. I can't say more than that. I am truly blessed to have someone who always puts me first. My boys will have a great example in Matt of how to be a good husband. What a great pre- Valentine's day gift.

Who could argue that good food and retail therapy can have a huge effect on your happiness? :) Thanks Matt!

22 Weeks

I made it through more than half of my pregnancy! Yeah! Oh it seems like it has been forever and I often just look at Matt eating whatever he wants and just drool. I need to remember after I have a baby that I should never have a bad day because I can eat anything without the thought of what it might taste like if it came up. I told Matt one night after reading my scriptures that being able to meet a basic need like hunger is incredibly powerful. In the scriptures it is the only thing that causes people to turn back to the Lord. Not wars or threat of life, but lack of food. Incredible right?

But to be honest this time around has not been so bad. The big difference is that I can drink water. So my dehydration problems aren't so bad. I still need Zofran like people need oxygen but I do survive.

Here are some Confessions of a 22 Week Pregnant Lady:

-When in UT I ate Cafe Rio 4 times, we were only there for 6 days.
-I dream of fry sauce and miss UT's food selection so bad!
-I usually have to eat a fruit-roll up or something sweet after I have a meal to help calm my stomach
-I take a nap while Samuel takes a nap and Joshua plays on the ipad on my bed next to me
-I seem to be pregnant with everyone, including Kate Middleton and the infamous Kim K
-I ate a whole bag of gummy bears before they drew my blood to check all my levels of everything, and they are now concerned that I might have gestational diabetes but to be honest, I think it was just the fact that I didn't have any food in my stomach and had only eaten gummy bears that day...oops...we will see in a few weeks what the actual results are
-I refuse to buy maternity clothes because 1. they are super expensive, 2. they are usually very frumpy, 3. I won't be using them again so I see them as a complete waste of money. (I gave all my pregnancy clothes away after I had samuel). But I know I will have to soon.
-Joshua tells his primary teacher that I frequently puke...such a sweet boy
-My children both make puking noises for fun...maybe to be like mom?
-This is the first time that my closet isn't color coordinated, rather it's arranged according to what I can squeeze into now and what I won't be able to for at least 5 months
-I am nesting all the time
-I have a really clean house and find cleaning therapeutic...because If I am busy enough I can't think about how bad I feel
-I probably eat 2-3 bags of clemintines a week
-This baby can't get enough fruit
-I am much more tired with this pregnancy than I was with the others

I still have hard days and watch my special church movies when I am feeling bad. But life is good and now we know what gender our smith baby is. Which is nice, so now I can plan.

It is a ...
...
...



BOY!!!!!!!!!!

Yes!

Joshua is very excited because he told me that, "Mom, you love boys the best! Yeah, baby Benjamin! That means we now have 4 boys!" He is so smart!

The Disparity...

Some recent events on FB have irked me. My husband has a few friends who love to post and discuss political injustices. The most recent post was concerning the “pants and prayers” issue that have been brought up by some women of the church. I think what irks me the most is the fact that they are trying to use social media to “correct” the church.

The woman who was in charge of the Pants issue said she was in Target one day, going through the clearance section, and realized there were so many injustices towards women in the church that she wanted to start a movement to help “correct” the Church.

After I read her story, one major red flag flew up. Her idea that she, could correct the Church. Doesn’t that seem odd?

I understand that her aim and others is to adjust the current gender bias that seems to preside in the church. That, is a good ideal. But the big issue I see with is she wants something the Church already does. Counsel us to close the gender disparities gap.

I wanted to find a list of grievances from the Pants movement instigator. But I couldn’t find specific injustices that she had listed. I have tried to see what those injustices might be.


-Maybe that we don’t hold the priesthood?
-Women don’t get to say a prayer in conference?
-We don’t hold major leadership roles? (Which actually I completely disagree with but others see that maybe because we aren’t at the forefront of the First Presidency, that is an injustice.)

I jokingly told my husband I think the only gender inequality in the church is the placement of tags/seams on certain items of clothing for the women as compared to where they are placed on for men.

To address the grievances of not holding a major office or priesthood you need to start studying. I know that this does anger many women. Why can’t they call down the powers of heaven, formally through the priesthood? But as a woman who has sought the help of Heaven many times in difficult situations I would say, I didn’t need it, because I was a woman. The Heavens did answer.

I was in a Relief Society Presidency once, a sabbatical from my eternal calling of nursery leader, and because I knew I had to gain a stronger testimony of the role of this auxiliary (I was severally lacking in my testimony of Relief Society) I did what I do best, RESEARCH.

I read and read all the talks I could find about Relief Society and women’s roles in the church. What I found was something that I didn’t realize was even there, or even had been addressed. The Church does hold women in a certain position, but it is not below that of a man, I would say, it is above that of men.

But you would have to research for yourself to see to see the pattern.

I remember telling a high school friend how lucky he was that he was able to go to The Priesthood session of Conference, to which he told me his opinion. “No I am not. We always get yelled at and told we need to be better.” That was the first time I heard such a comment from a young man about priesthood conference sessions.

And after researching I realized he is right. Most sessions are that of calling men to be better, rise higher, shed the chauvinistic view of being a man, and be a man of God. If this wasn’t true Elder Holland would not be known as the “big guns” speaker. He is famous for addressing hard subjects, like spousal abuse, infidelity, and pornography. He and other apostles call men to stop making their wives cry, to scaring their children into submission, to stop yelling in their homes, and treating their wives poorly.

But the problem is that the men that are supposed to be hearing this talk and changing don’t. For some reason, their radar is turned off and they believe that this counsel does not apply to them. Which most of the time, when someone is deep in a sin, denial is ever abundant.

So the sisters of the Church are asking the First Presidency to address the gender biases. But they already have. What more could they do? Take away the free agency of these men? That would be nice, but that isn’t how the Church works. They give us principals to live by and it is up to us to live them.

I think the, “why don’t women say prayers in conference?” is just an oversight. I honestly don’t believe that past First Presidency’s have thought, “How can we make the women of this church feel their true place? Yes, I know, by not letting them say prayers in conference.”

“However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.” Elder Bednar, And Nothing Shall Offend Them.

I had heard from a friend’s husband that the Church has been involved in instigating some practices that are not right. Like having a Bishop check with a couple about how frequently she is having sex with her husband. To counsel her to make sure it was very frequently.

Red flag.

That has never been a church policy. That is a clear example of how certain men (because of a cultural belief) exercise their “authority” in a given calling to demean women.

I have heard Bishopbric members laugh and make light of a Girl’s camp testimony meeting because of the emotional state that some of young ladies were in when bearing their testimony. That is a great example of perpetuating gender inequalities. That it is okay, for a man to pass judgment on young girls about how they feel when they have the spirit with them. Letting men think that it’s okay to mock women is definitely an inequality that I know presides in the church. But it is NOT Church policy to do so.

These are choices made by men who are exercising their agency in a destructive way.

"I include the sisters because it is crucial for everyone to understand what is expected of the brethren. Unless we enlist the attention of the mothers and daughters and sisters—who have influence on their husbands, fathers, sons, and brothers—we cannot progress. The priesthood will lose great power if the sisters are neglected." -Pres.Packer, Power of the Priesthood

If you are a women who feels that her place is overlooked in the Church then you should do some RESEARCH. Research talks written by the men who run the church. Do you ever hear them mock or demean their wives? Do they skip over hard topics like spousal abuse? Do they put women down because they are women and do not hold the priesthood?

We hold office in the church. We have an auxiliary that is a force. If you have ever been in a Relief Society presidency and seen how closely they work with the Bishop (or should, because that is how it is supposed to work) then you will understand the kind of influence a Relief Society President has on a Bishop and his goals for the ward. But not all presidencies and Bishops work well together.

But it is SUPPOSED to! Read the handbook.

Read. Read. Read.


Plus, what modern woman would give up her pencil skirt for a pair of trousers? Nothing makes a statement like a good pencil skirt and some great pumps!