I have played more soccer games than I can count. There was a time when I actually felt like college soccer was within my grasp and a real goal that I could meet. Probably not for BYU but definitely for an IV league...they don't often recruit the top players because they often recruit brains.
But I remember when I would play even the easiest team in the league, my heart would sink and I would want to throw-up. It didn't matter that I knew that my team was going to wipe the floor with this other team, I still was on the verge of a panic attack. After the whistle blew I got too busy to remember how I felt. I played the way I had spent hours practicing. My muscles automatically knew how to hit the ball to make it go where it needed it go. It was automatic.
In primary I feel like this now. I want to puke or get so nervous that I'm shaking right before everything starts. And when it starts, somehow I pull it together. Somehow I find the words to get me through my presidency meeting, conducting, extending information to teachers/children, and teaching sharing time. I have to remind myself that just because I feel so inadequate and feel incredibly overwhelmed that when it comes down to it, I can do this job.
I also have to remember that this isn't a "job." It was a calling. A call that came from my Heavenly Father. And that means that I am entitled to His help.
I recently came across a talk by my spirit Apostle President Eyring. It was entitled,
Preparation in the Priesthood: I need Your Help. Again, it blew my mind. I think I always learn the most from President Eyring's priesthood talks. Which is weird, because they aren't really addressed to me. Here are some of my favorite parts.
"He saw beyond the reality of who I was to the possibilities that lie inside someone who feels weak and simple enough to want the Lord's help and to believe that it will come."
"Paul gave good counsel for all of us. Don't worry about how inexperienced you are or think you are, but think about what, with the Lord's help, you can become."
"The Lord's greatest mentors have shown me that spiritual staying power comes from working past the point when others would have taken a rest."
"My prayers is that we may keep our covenants to qualify ourselves for eternal life and those are called to train. I promise you if you do all that you can, God will magnify your strength and your wisdom. He will season you.
These are such inspiring words. I can't tell you how much these words meant to me. I learned that I am going to have to push past the point of exhaustion and forget that I feel inexperienced and inadequate for this call and have faith enough to know that He will deliver me.
Some difficulties arose this week from this call and I wanted to record the miracles that came. There was a difficult situation with a child on Sunday and I was completely blown away how to handle it. I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father and said, "okay Lord, I don't know what to do, you need to help me to know what to say/do." And He did. The situation was resolved.
The next situation came when I had to write my thoughts out about a difficult situation. Again I said, "okay Lord, I need your help." And it came again. A perfect letter was written. One that I knew didn't come from me. I even had tried googling ideas for the letter and realized, that's silly, the Lord is a much better place to search for help, than Google.
My testimony grew that Lord needs me despite my inadequacy. And when the whistle blows, the power to fulfill my duties will come. I have been given the authority to work over this auxiliary and receive the inspiration that I need. I need to trust in that promise and move ward.
I made this spiritual meme. It was a quote that came from an amazing talk by Sheri Dew, You were born to lead, you were born for glory.
