Family Photos

Here are some of the family photos we had taken. Joshua loved taking pictures and the one where he is standing by the ladder, he apparently posed himself. He loved the attnetion and loved holding Samuel. He has been so good with Samuel. He loves him and constantly tells me about 'Sammy!'

I love my little family of boys!

Honesty...

I'm letting myself be honest. Honest and admitting things to the world often helps us deal with problems. At least, that is what has always helped me. I'm writing because I have found relief and answers, and now just need to seal the stitches to this trial shut.

Motherhood is challenging, enough said. At my two week check-up with my OB I was excited to see how many lbs I had lost. I was a lot slimmer and my extremely swollen feet and hands had gone down. So when I got on that scale and saw I had only lost about the weight of my baby I was a little shocked. With Joshua, by the time I had my 5 week check-up with my OB I had lost all of my weight, minus 5 lbs. Expecting similar results I started to become depressed after seeing that number. Granted I gained about 10 lbs less with sam then I did with josh but I still wanted similar results.

Matt told me it would take time and to have patients. I was so frustrated and couldn't get over it. Then, I was reminded by my OB that the nurses when I stayed at the hospital thought I might be prone to some post-partum depression. When in actuality I'm just an over-achiever and get frustrated when I can't do something perfect.

Breastfeeding is another challenging experience of motherhood. Waiting for that milk to come in and dealing with the tiny amount of colostrum is extremely irritating when your little one is crying because he's hungry. As a public health student I am an extreme advocate for breastfeeding. The over-achiever inside me became irritable and I began to lose it when my colostrum wasn't cutting it for Sam. Not to mention my nurse was mean and I had experienced several other stressful situations that day--so I broke down in front of the nurse. She of course, thought I was crazy and told the on-call OB and the entire nursing staff that I'm probably experiencing post-partum depression. Super.

After being reminded about that horrible situation I of course became even more down on myself. I'm not depressed, I'm just a perfectionist. I have no patience and I desire instant results.

At home I said to Matt, "okay so maybe do you think I have a little depression?"

To which he resoundingly said, "Honey, you are your biggest critic. Just have some patience and everything will work out."

It's true. I desire to be a perfect mom. To be able to handle two children who are only 2 years apart. I desire to hold my little two year old and be already healed. I miss playing with Joshua and rough housing with him. I miss taking him outside and on bus rides. I miss going on walks with him.

Not to mention I've been sealed in my home since the mid-March...which isn't that long but to me it has been an eternity. I'm an active person and get stir crazy when I have to stay indoors too long.

Instead, Joshua has watched more TV in the last week then is good for him. But what can I do? Matt has to work and do some school. I can't even bend over without effort due to being sliced and diced. I'm trying to get my new little munchkin to sleep through the night and still trying to be a good wife to my husband.

Can you see why moms get and feel overwhelmed?

But I know because I DESIRE most of all to be a mom and to be a good mom--all will work out.

I just need patience. Listening to conference again has helped me immensely. Talks were given about mothers (Elder Cook) and having righteous desires (Elder Oaks) all of which have helped me handle this new situation I find myself in.

"They are His children and they are your children, flesh of your flesh, for whom He will hold you responsible. You have rejoiced over them, and in many cases you have sorrowed. They have brought you happiness as no one else could. They have brought you pain as none other could." President Hinckley,November 2000 Ensign

I like that quote because it talks about 'pain.' None of the childbirthing process is fun. None. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Again, thanks to a conference talk about dealing with pain (Elder Kent F. Richards) and how none of our suffering on this earth will not be for nothing. It all works together for our good. To carve and shape our character and give us experience to help others we see in similar situations in the future. Which, of course, we all know, but sometimes forget during the time we suffer.

Honesty.

I have now completed my honesty quota for the day.

My Life

These are some pictures of Joshua's first Easters that he actually found fun. He enjoyed looking for "eggies" with his Grandma Smith and friends. He loves his girlfriends...which actually are all blonde. Joshua also won his age group's race...so fast.

There is also a picture of his gift from Sam...well from us the day we brought Sam home. He loves his bike!

A Family of Four

It's been official for almost a week, we are a family of four. Life is so good. There aren't any more words to describe it. Two beautiful perfect boys, one amazing husband, and one crazy wife.

My surgery went well. It went a lot faster than I thought. I had my great OB and he seemed comfortable enough to talk about mountain biking and his son'sTacoma during my surgery. So of course I jumped in on those conversations. The only time I was nervous is when he said, 'scalpel.' I was like crap, what if the anesthesia isn't working and I feel this cut, ah, ah, so I quickly turned to matt and said, 'tell me about the awesome green coat I'm going to have one day. You know the one from BR?'

It Worked. Before I knew it I heard Samuel cry. He was born at 7:59am, weighed 7.12 (I guessed he would be 7.11), and was 19 inches. He's adorable and pretty much perfect. Oddly enough he doesn't look a thing like Joshua. He has kept his eyes shut pretty much the whole time but is now finally starting to open them. They seem to be grayish but who knows if that will last or if they'll just turn light brown.

I'm doing so much better than when I had a c section with Joshua. The pain isn't nearly as bad and I'm able to walk without feeling like my entire stomach is going to topple over and spill out.

I did abnormally well that the on-call OB said I was by far the best walker and that he couldn't believe I was walking so much after a c-section. Yes! I'm hoping this means that my recovery will be quicker and less drawn out.

Either way I'm elated. I feel so blessed So many things went right this time and Matt an I are closer then ever before. We are both scared about how we are going to do this but we are moving forward together so it won't be impossible.

My husband is truly amazing. He cares so much and DOES so much for me. I'm so lucky to have a husband like matt. I'm so lucky to be in love with my best friend.

PS I have some fAmily photos of us but Jessie hasn't emailed me them yet but when she does I will post.

Finally here

It's a Guy Thing...

This is a video of Joshua's latest project. Everyday he has to build a 'house' for 'Pa-Pas.' And we can't put it away at the end of the day but have to knock over the previous days work and start fresh each day because 'pa-pas' needs a HOUSE! Looks like I am going to make it in all aspects to the 12th! Yes! Something in my pregnancy actually went right...holding my breath and crossing my fingers still though.

Here are just a few funny things/Confessions I've been thinking about.

-Today I filled my last bottle of Zofran! Never to return again to that pharmacy and have all the tech's ask how I'm doing and feeling so bad that I have to take this medicine so often.

-This is the last weekend we will ever have one child! Exciting but terrifying at the same time!

-Hate it when people tell me to 'rest up because your life will get crazy soon.' Well, duh! But honestly, did you forget what it was like at this stage in pregnancy? Waking up every hour to use the restroom and uncomfortable sleeping because your legs fall asleep and you have to move the massive bowling ball attached to your stomach.

-I have a phone phobia. I hate talking to people on the phone. I hate 'chit chatting.' I know, I'm a messed up girl but I hate aimless rambling on the phone...doesn't matter who you are (except for my sister Emily because I never see her and feel like she's on a different planet). But because of all the stuff that happened to Matt while in Japan and my bedrest situation people call me....which I am ever SO GRATEFUL FOR but I'm afraid. I hate talking! Please don't be mad/offended...I just hate it!

-Not looking forward to breastfeeding crap again. The clothing, the accessories, the feeding, and the work of actually getting into a rhythm with the little one. But breastfeeding is incredible and I do LOVE the benefit I get and my son gets, so I sacrifice.

-I won't have an excuse any longer to wear PJ's all day long, everyday. I gave up on wearing jeans about a month ago. THey just were so uncomfortable and so I have lived in my comfy yoga pants since then.

-I will have to start wearing a bra on a regular basis again...like 24/7. Which I hate! Funny story--I had to drop something off at the doctor's real fast so I hurried and threw my coat on and some slippers and jumped in the car. I finally arrived feeling that something was a muck. I looked in the mirror and guess what I discovered...yup, no bra. Completely forgot about it. Good thing I had a jacket on.

-I am actually incredibly dumb during my pregnancies. I have a real hard time contemplating and processing information. I usually just furrow my brow and look confused. I don't think I'm that dumb but for the past 9 months I've felt like my cerebellum has seriously shrunk. Poor brain. But I've been able to blame pregnancy for my 'blonde' moments but now, if I do something stupid, I can't blame anyone else but myself.

But WE ARE SO EXCITED FOR LITTLE SAMUEL! Yes, Samuel is the name, and no we aren't doing bible names, just like those names. I feel like it's my wedding day or something equally amazing approaching and like matt said I have less than 72 hours to go. Yes, I'm going to go under the knife, leave my precious Joshua for 4/5 days (something I am petrified of doing because I'm a control freak and can't control what will happen to him during that time), and have to come home and recover from major surgery and try and figure out this two child parenting technique BUT I'm so excited! Excited to be a family of four! Excited to be surrounded by so many cute boys!

Boys are the best! Conference was amazing wasn't it! The first session I listen to on my phone is priesthood because I never got to hear it and it is always the best! I am elated by the chance I get to help turn boys into men. What an incredible experience is ahead of us!