Two posts in a week? What is happening? I can't sleep because of some thoughts. And probably because my feet hurt. Feet should be built tougher. But that isn't my deep thinking.
Last sunday we had a great lesson on helping those we see who have needs. I appreciated the lesson and the insights given. But I think a side of this subject wasn't discussed. The teacher had people speak about their experience with people helping them with their children's disabilities/childhood diseases.
I appreciated their insights and knowing them better now will help me understand them. Someone mentioned that people didn't take the time to know their family needs and just brought them meals. Meals, which were appreciated, but not needed. Our LDS culture and our obsessions with eating. Here's some food, get well soon! haha! I think it's a crazy tradition too.
Someone else mentioned how they hated when people told them, "they handle their situation really well with their child." And how she thought, "that's darling" because she doesn't, and doesn't appreciate that comment.
The take home message, stop being self-involved and look around. I totally agree. Meals aren't always the answer. Trying to compliment someone on how they are dealing with adversity may not be the answer, so we need to try and figure out what they really need.
My rebuttal.
Why didn't speak up about the meals? Why don't you speak up about your needs? Why don't you share, privately, that a person's comment isn't really appreciated because you feel like your drowning every day and that compliment makes you feel like crap!
Why don't we speak up?
While living in TN I acquired one of my top most embarrassing moments. I was invited to fast for a family who had a need. I was unaware that the need was private, since it was a group text and it wasn't mentioned in the text. I nonetheless tried to error on caution and never said anything. Until I was asked to say the opening prayer for sacrament. I went up with confidence because I am not afraid to pray in public and started my prayer.
The words started in a familiar fashion and then in happened. I asked to bless the family and our fast. Whoops, it's not fast sunday, crap! I just announced to the whole ward that me, and a select few are fasting for a family. Well, I can't go back now. Just hurry and end the darn thing and run!!!
I spent the whole sacrament in the mother's lounge with a calm baby, praying and crying that I had not offend this family. That I had not done wrong. I wasn't planning on saying it, it just literally came rushing out.
I apologized profusely after the meeting to the family but she wasn't offend. And I thanked the Lord that she had a kind heart.
But then something happened. Members of the ward sought after this family during church that day to see how they were doing and how they could help. This family wasn't a "popular family" [do you know what I mean?] as awful as that sounds, but I saw something incredible unfold. The whole ward, individually, started seeking them out. We mowed their lawn, took care of their kids, brought meals, drove them to doctor appointment etc.
And I believe it's because people knew. People saw their was a need and wanted
individually to help. They made serious inquires because they started to understand the gravity of the situation.
They knew.
I have made a great friend who had cancer and she was a fireball. She was brilliant, beautiful, kind, happy, independent, and selfless. Because of these qualities she didn't like to ask for help. She was fine watching her own kids, cleaning her own house, and cooking her own meals.
I too suffer from being stubbornly independent. You won't see me asking for help unless I absolutely have to.
This ward not a tight knit ward but I can honestly say I don't know anyone who wouldn't of driven miles/hours to help this beloved family out. Who would and wanted to desperately help carry the their burden.
But the members didn't know how or what to do in the beginning.
So we fumbled and guessed as a ward. Awkward comments and nasty meals were in abundance.
We moved out of that ward and so I wasn't privy to weekly updates from her family. We were just the next city over but it seemed like we were across the ocean. And I recognize it is my fault I didn't push more to know more. I didn't ask and I will always regret my lack of action.
But I heard she had died from a text message from a friend. I broke into tears. Had I known how quickly it had gone downhill I would of been there in a heart-beat. Had I known. I think that's what makes me most sad about losing this friend.
I wasn't there. I wanted to be there. I didn't know.
I think we as members need to be understanding. Understanding that when people try and pay you a compliment, they might be doing what they think is sincere. When people bring meals, maybe that's all they can do.
If they don't know how could they make any other choice than the one they made.
The lesson hear. Open your mouth! Open your eyes! Ask for help! When asking, be specific about your needs! Do more than ask them, ask the Lord!!!
Do more than just be a visiting teacher, be a genuine friend!!!!
If you haven't seen someone at church for a while, go find out why!
After a baby is born and bloom of having a newborn wears off, go and help them! Newborns are life- suckers!
But if people don't know they can't help.
If people don't know you are drowning from extreme morning sickness, let them know. Let them know that the idea of you bringing some random meal to their house stresses you out more than anything, but watching their kids/taking them to a park would be a lifesaver! That way you can cry in peace while huddled over the toilet.
Communicate your needs.
Don't let their, "I'm fine" statement deter you! We all know what FINE stands for anyway,
Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.
The lesson hear. Open your mouth! Open your eyes! Ask for help! When asking, be specific about your needs
!
Do more than ask them, ask the Lord!!!
