1875

FB has a group called, "BYU, where your best hasn't been good enough since 1875." I laughed when I saw this group and immediately joined. People who belonged to this group were united because before they came to BYU they thought they were special. A cut above the rest. But after coming to BYU and seeing the kind of people BYU admits, they realized that their particular cut was not actually above, but that they were average, maybe even below average. Gasp!

I felt that way through much of my Freshman year but after I realized to take my successes in strides and not to compare it against others. After that I found that BYU was a great place for me. I LOVE BYU and constantly dress my children in BYU apparel, their first outfit home from the hospital always includes some form of BYU apparel. BYU gave me more confidence than it took away that Freshman year. And I am so grateful to all the teachers and people I worked with there.

Lately, though, and probably because I am pregnant I have not felt so confident in myself. We had a RS activity for the new sisters who had moved into the ward. Everyone shared something about themselves and after the activity I walked away feeling depressed. I thought I am not so special.

In the BYU magazine there is an article about Mitt Romney's definition of success. I loved two quotes from that article. He told a story of his father's failed attempt at a political office and remembering what his father said to him, "I aspired, and though I achieved not, I was satisfied."

And then later he said that, "They [worldly successes and setbacks] do not measure your worth nor define your success unless you choose for them to do so."

February has been a terrible month. Matt's been gone pretty much half the month on work trips and I am pregnant (enough said). And this pregnancy is causing super amounts of anxiety. I worry about EVERYTHING. And it doesn't help when husband isn't around to calm me down after a long day. When Matt calls, the both of us are so tired and just ready for him to be home.

So on top of all that I went to an activity celebrating everyone's special talents and qualities, and unfortunately I took it the wrong way. But after Matt came home he made me realize something.

My greatest accomplishments are my children and that is worth more than anything I could of done outside the home. A woman at the grocery store stopped me once and looked at my boys and said, "Wow mom, they look happy. Good job!" Someone recognized that my children looked happy, loved, and cared for. That despite trying to keep them from running away or running their carts into people, that they were happy boys.

Being a stay at home mom is the best! And I am so grateful for Matt's job but it is so hard to not receive those worldly accomplishments that I strove my whole school career to achieve. It is so hard not to get that praise. No one praises you for changing the diaper and not puking, or averting a crisis on the playground. Or calming a child down because he's sad. No one lets you sleep in the next morning because you were up with a little one that night, because he had a bad dream.

I knew this week would be hard so I went and picked up a large canvas for me to paint and play with. I didn't expect much because it was just about being able to help me manage my anxiety. Karen, I expect a lengthy comment about how good I am ;). But painting calmed me down and helped me. I was so proud of what I did in 3 days. I realized what Mitt Romney had said about success was true. That although I have sought worldly praise for the extra-curricular activities I've done, those activities didn't bring lasting happiness because I don't truly value worldly success as much as I value family, love, and the gospel. I had this perfect surreal moment while painting. Joshua and I painted while Samuel was asleep. Joshua had washable paints and I had my canvas and oils. The two of us sat there, listing to music, and creating things together. He told me then, that I was his best friend(something that I LOVE to hear him say, especially when it comes out of no where)and he was so happy that he was able to paint with mommy.

You have to be a parent to understand the kind of joy it can bring. I believe it isn't something that you can describe accurately or put a value on it accurately because there isn't anything you can compare it to here on earth. You just have to experience it.

So now I have this painting hanging up in my children's playroom to remind me that I am special. That I am doing what I really want to do in this life. Have a family and a happy home.

The evolution of my work.