Breakdown...#2309

Ha!

Yes, yesterday I had a major breakdown. I was so sick and it was Monday. Enough said.

I hate Mondays. I was struggling because I have two adorable needy children, one going through potty-training (which is like a bipolar event, one day he is perfect and the next horrific! My second bathroom smells like pee), and wait, I'm sick. Like, really sick. Freezing in my very warm house, with layers of sweats and old high school sweatshirts on. Having to do all the work that is required of a mother, wife, and individual...when all I wanted to do is lay in bed and cry. I was so tired. Just exhausted.

I don't particually like Lady Gaga but one song really speaks to me. Matt thinks I'm crazy because I relate so much to music. But I'm one of those people who need music because it helps me deal. This Lady Gaga song is called Poker Face.. So how good is your poker face? Mine is excellent! But my real feelings broke through yesterday. It was probably a new low.

At BYU my roommate said being at BYU was like almost drowning...you can't quite catch your breath but when you do another wave comes and pushes you back, perhaps even farther.

But we still have to keep going.

And on top of everything last Sunday Matt was made a President of an Auxiliary....super...NOT!

A Bishop's wife once told me that there are consequences to everything. Just because you marry a righteous man doesn't mean that life is going to be cake. He's going to be called to serve and you are going to be the one who gets everyone ready for church and tries to keep them quite during sacrament. It will always happen when it's least ideal and you will struggle.

Great.


So I broke. My poker face failed me.

I don't really have a point of telling you this but just to admit that I have a poker face. I think when other people show you there real hand, it makes you realize that you aren't the only one struggling. The only one feeling overwhelmed. The only one feeling like you are drowning.

One talk from General Conference really has made me think. Here is a part of it from Elder Cook's talk.

"There are many kinds of challenges. Some give us necessary experiences. Adverse results in this mortal life are not evidence of lack of faith or of an imperfection in our Fathers in Heaven's overall plan. The refiner's fire is real, and qualities of character and rightousness that are forged in the furnance of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God...

We are unaware of hosts of blessings that we receive from day to day. It is extremely important that we have a spirit of gratitude in our hearts."

Refiners fire is HARROWING...but I guess that is why it's called fire, right?

But I'm given HOSTS of blessing I don't even see, on top of what I DO see.

I hope one day my poker face will be my real face.

I know it can be but it will always be a struggle to get there in this life.