The Poker Face

So there is this actor from a series that I am ashamed to admit that I love.  It has been my go to, escape from reality and all the problems it has, series.  He's known for always having it all together and being a true gentlemen.  However, in a recent episode it was disclosed that it was all a mask.  He cleaned himself up and stayed cleaned to mask and hide his secret demons.  

I could all too much relate to this character.  Recently in order to feel like I'm not falling apart I have made sure I looked all put together.  I even start painting my nails on a regular basis and experimenting with new lip colors and nail polish brands.  I kept thinking that if I looked put together then no one would know I was dying inside.  

I downloaded more feminist songs, looked at inspirational quotes about learning how to grow, read my favorite conference talks, and of course dove into my patriarchal blessing, which led to new screen savers on my phone. I've tried so hard to try and feel like I can do this but still felt more than overwhelmed.  

Last week I finally moved on from the crying stage to just being mad.  I was mad at everyone! Nothing was getting through to chill the anger.  I sat in my pew and just felt like an outward shell of what I once was.  I happy person.  I wondered if anyone could see or did anyone notice that all I felt was anger and animosity towards what I had been asked to do.  

The talks that day were exactly what I needed to hear.  The special piano musical number was a favorite hymn and I realized that I needed to start accepting and stop fighting the new church calling.  

I'm not saying that I have it all together but I am accepting my fate.  I am not asking "why" anymore but realizing that it is call that has come from my Heavenly Father and He wants me to grow.  So I will let Him help me grow.  

This stress is the reason I haven't blogged lately.  I felt like I didn't even have time to breath.  

But I am feeling much better.  Not at all because I feel qualified for the call but because I realized that if He wants me in this calling, then He will strengthen me and help things to workout.  I have to learn to be satisfied with my efforts and patient with others.  

I accept this call.  And I am moving forward.  Still nauseaou but ready.  

My current screensaver for my phone. Convert ALL my experiences to good.